they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
