I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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