I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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