I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
