My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
