Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
