why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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