i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
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My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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