Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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