I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Boobs speak an international language.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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