oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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