you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
