I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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