Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
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So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
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Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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