yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
