when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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