Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
