i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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