I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
