i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
