I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
