That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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