so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
