My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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