my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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