Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
