it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
