He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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