Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
