just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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