Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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