I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
