I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
