How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
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Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
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Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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