I want to walk on stilts...naked
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
