You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
