I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
