i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
