I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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