She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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