Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
