your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If I die, sorry about rent.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
