Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
