yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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