If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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