So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
if you like me you must not know who I am
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
