I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
