Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
