I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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