My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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