I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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