The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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