the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
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I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
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Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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