What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
