I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
