You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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