I wish I could teleport
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
