sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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