ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
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Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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