fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
